I really do, but im about to go in on some of them. No, im not naming any names ..
Sometimes I think I’m the only one with a brain. I’m here on earth so that some of my friends who are lacking gray matter can borrow upon my ample knowledge. I’m grateful that they find me of service, but sometimes calling on me just isn’t appropriate for the situation. Let me share with you guys just a few incidents that left me wondering why I’m friends with some people. If you read on and figure out im talking about you then let me just say that I love you very much … but still WTF were you thinking?
Allie, I dont know if im pregnant ….
True, I have a kid, that however doesn’t mean that I now have built in EPT powers. You think you’re pregnant? GO TO THE DRUG STORE AND BUY A TEST. This one is not for those just calling me for support, rather for those calling me asking me IF they are pregnant. I do not know you’re ovulation cycle, I was not in the room when you screwed him, I did not see the fluid exchange, and further more I dont have a sonogram machine ready to use. Why the hell you calling me again?
(background moans) Allie, what was that color of MAC lipstick you suggested me last week (louder moans)? You know girrrrllllll, the really bright :ohhh shit baby deeper!: red one? ________ is about to take me to MAC after this …
HOLD UP. Yall know I love a good chat about make-up. Can you do me a favor though and call me AFTER you finish screwing MR. Man? Odds are im bitter because I haven’t had sex GOOD SEX since Bryan was immobile, so please spare me the phone bone and call me when you are done. Russian Red can wait till after he nuts KTHXBYE.
(my phone rings at 4am, and I pick it up because who would really be calling me at 4 am?) ALLIE, _____ AND I JUST GOT KIDNAPPED BY THESE GUYS IN BROOKLYN! AT LEAST, I THINK WE ARE IN BROOKLYN… IF I DONT MAKE IT HOME TONIGHT TELL MY MOTHER WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!
O_0 First of all stop screaming at me. Its 4 am. Wait, what the fuck did you just tell me? So you and your ditsy babymomma friend of yours done got pseudo kidnapped by some guys you met on some chatline? Oh, you say they left you and ol’ girl locked in their car while they went in a store or something? Now tell me this… why are you on the phone with me and not fucking 911? Better yet, why are you not busting out the windows and running for your dear life? Oh, I get it you ain’t in no real trouble and you just like drama. Its 4 am, free up my line for my booty calls. Thanks.
O….kay well I TOTALLY and COMPLETELY understand what you mean now lol.
I think my friends KNOW not to call me with that BS or to ask such crazy questions. If they were, I’d just let them have it–pure and unadulterated!