…but the one who made a lasting impression.

It was early 2006, I remember because that previous year around the end of may Pretty Ricky’s first album “Blue Stars” came out and I had just met my homegirl Katelynn because of them.  It was nothing out of the ordinary for us girls at the time. Michelle, Katelynn and I were going to chill at our homeboy Andre’s house. Andre had a thing for Katelynn and he used to call her his “snow bunnie” which made me giggle at the time. I was too stupid back then to realize the only reason he was enthralled with her was because she’s as white as fresh snow,a true ginger kid, a girl that a hood dude rarely came across but I digress, this story isn’t about them.

Katelynn and Andre had went off into lala land someplace and I was chilling in his living room with Michelle who was watching the first Flavor of Love (yuck) and Andre’s cousin. My memory is usually dead on but for the life of me I cant remember Andre’s cousin’s name. I guess that’s what makes this memory even more special, the anonymous vibes that it gives. I sorta remember that this cousin of Andre’s was cute. Fine even. It amazed me that this was Andre’s real cousin because he was caramel and had some height to him, whereas Andre is short and deep chocolate skinned — not that that’s a bad thing of course, being chocolate skinned .. not short.

One thing led to another and this cousin and I started talking. In the beginning my mind was on how I can make him mine. I knew nothing about him other then the fact that he was cute, my age, my  homeboy’s cousin, and that he went to Rice HS. I loved boys that went to Rice, something about that all boys Catholic HS in Harlem was a HUGE turn on for me back then.  I wanted him from what I saw on the outside. However, as the conversation got deeper I was more interested in what he had to say then thinking about getting with him.We spoke of relationship issues, a woman/man’s role in society, funny things, and a whole lot more. In the end we told each other how nice it was to have such a fulfilling conversation and left it at that. By that time the moans from the bedroom were gone and I knew it was about to be time to roll on up out of Andre’s crib.

Was he feeling me after all of that? Who knows. Was I feeling me after all of that? Hell yeah.

For the first time in my 17 years of life I talked to a guy on an intellectual level instead of a sexual one and found out the true meaning of attraction. I was attracted to his words and was yearning to learn more about what was in his head then what was in his pants. I didn’t have to flash my tongue ring at him, i didn’t have to talk like i was raised in a back ally someplace so he would take interest in me. I finally found out that what was on the inside mattered more then what was on the outside.

Its true that we didn’t as much as exchange numbers so I have no clue on how he felt about me, as a matter of fact I never spoke to or saw him again. However, our conversation was not in vain for that very summer I met a guy who had the same conversational effect on me.I knew this time that I should pursue this guy who stimulated my intellect.

… three years and a baby we are still going strong.

I really do, but im about to go in on some of them. No, im not naming any names ..

Sometimes I think I’m the only one with a brain. I’m here on earth so that some of my friends who are lacking gray matter can borrow upon my ample knowledge. I’m grateful that they find me of service, but sometimes calling on me just isn’t appropriate for the situation. Let me share with you guys just a few incidents that left me wondering why I’m friends with some people. If you read on and figure out im talking about you then let me just say that I love you very much … but still WTF were you thinking?

Allie, I dont know if im pregnant ….

True, I have a kid, that however doesn’t mean that I now have built in EPT powers. You think you’re pregnant? GO TO THE DRUG STORE AND BUY A TEST. This one is not for those just calling me for support, rather for those calling me asking me IF they are  pregnant. I do not know you’re ovulation cycle, I was not in the room when you screwed him,  I did not see the fluid exchange, and further more I dont have a sonogram machine ready to use. Why the hell you calling me again?

(background moans) Allie, what was that color of MAC lipstick you suggested me last week (louder moans)? You know girrrrllllll, the really bright :ohhh shit baby deeper!: red one? ________ is about to take me to MAC after this …

HOLD UP. Yall know I love a good chat about make-up. Can you do me a favor though and call me AFTER you finish screwing MR. Man? Odds are im bitter because I haven’t had sex GOOD SEX since Bryan was immobile, so please spare me the phone bone and call me when you are done. Russian Red can wait till after he nuts KTHXBYE.

(my phone rings at 4am, and I pick it up because who would really be calling me at 4 am?) ALLIE, _____ AND I JUST GOT KIDNAPPED BY THESE GUYS IN BROOKLYN! AT LEAST, I THINK WE ARE IN BROOKLYN… IF I DONT MAKE IT HOME TONIGHT TELL MY MOTHER WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!

O_0 First of all stop screaming at me. Its 4 am. Wait, what the fuck did you just tell me? So you and your ditsy babymomma friend of yours done got pseudo kidnapped by some guys you met on some chatline? Oh, you say they left you and ol’ girl locked in their car while they went in a store or something? Now tell me this… why are you on the phone with me and not fucking 911? Better yet, why are you not busting out the windows and running for your dear life? Oh, I get it you ain’t in no real trouble and you just like drama. Its 4 am, free up my line for my booty calls. Thanks.

“Men who can’t deal with a woman with her own mind are cowardly, poor wastes of testosterone. It’s sad that the only way you can feel like you’re strong is to mingle with weak people. If you’re a real man you’ll be strong, or better yet stronger with a strong woman.” – E. Shaw

Dear Miss Virgin,

I know virginity is a great thing – you are as “pure” as the day you were born, or so you say. Be proud in the fact that you haven’t yet been touched. Teen girls especially since teen pregnancy is at an all time high. Hell, I got pregnant at 19 (BUT, didn’t become a mother till 20) so im begging you dont follow in those footsteps, there are better things to do at this age then pop out 45459743 babies. HOWEVER, can you please shut the fuck up about it? There is something that is erie to me about a purity ring. So your daddy -who was probably the biggest whore around and fucked your mom numerous times before he even though of putting a ring on it- gave you a purity ring and made you make a promise between him and god that you would remain untouched until you are married. Im sorry, but that is creepy. My father can give me advice and lead me in the right direction but never will he have the last word on my sexuality. Purity ring wearing females are just as attention whorish as girl who are letting their sluttish ways hang out for all to see, just in a different way. Why should everyone you encounter know why you wear that ring for? When you take the ring off can we assume that you have crossed over to the “dark” side? I know you are trying to counteract the oversexed nature of our society, but i fear that virginity (especially purity rings) is being used as like a big rebellious fad. Virginity  to some is just as trendy the next pair of Vans.

Cool if you decide to remain a virgin, as a matter of fact more power to you sister … but dont be a god damn tease. Dont take half naked pictures of your “hot bod” in a suggestive pose and put them on the internet or send them to dudes. Dont sit around in front of a webcam and get naked with your hot bodied female friends, rubbing on each others boobs and shit. There is nothing cool and pure about that. You aren’t pure sister, you are CONFUSED. Dont sit around and brag about being a virgin when its obvious you’ve coohie bumped with a few carpet lickers in your young years. YES im talking to you, you confused lesbian one hit wonder. Dont know about sexual confusion? Well bitch go and GOOGLE THAT.

Ps. I cant wait till some of you get married to find out that sexual pleasure isn’t as hyped up as you would come to think. — and that your husband has a two inch cawk.